kingandy | NO! Oh NO!

Real actual genuine dialogue from JLA 95 (cover date Late May):

Wicked evil vampire (while biting): "For all that he is SUPERMAN ... my BITE will make Earth's greatest hero a VAMPIRE!"
Innocent yet misguided protege: "NO! Oh NO!"

My thoughts exactly, dear. The darling little girl then remains entirely undercover, harbouring secret fears that she may be being led astray. She manages to keep this entirely to herself despite shrieking her disapproval of the master from all of three feet away. Still, he was speaking with his mouth full, maybe he took it as a comment on his table manners.

Summary of the issue: Chris Claremont sucks ass. The second page includes such gems as the sound effect "Bleurgh!" and "The blood of innocents ... DELECTABLE!" (Emphasis his.) It's only a blessing that there's no double exclamation marks in there.

There was the odd gem, though. Princess "Wonder Woman" Diana decrying "Gods forbid my ancient sisters write short, declarative sentences," upon poring over ancient scrolls. (Though the vocabulary feels slightly out of character - under Claremont everybody becomes an English graduate.) And - in the following issue - Faith actually notices how much like a pantomime villain this vampire is behaving. Then she makes Buffy references, which upon reflection seems quite acceptable, considering her name.

Still, overall, the whole thing makes my head hurt. It feels like I'm reading a comic from 20 years ago. Am thinking of cancelling my JLA subscription and buying something less shit instead.

I hear the Marvel Ultimates are quite good...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

JLA is awful and has been for a while No point in buying it hoping it'll improve, it's all downhill from here.

The ultimates is worth a look, though the Fantastic Four and Ultimatate Six (spider Man and the avengers versus all the Spidey villiains) are drawing to a close. You're better off getting the Graphic Novels.

I liked it while Mahnke and Nguyen (the brains behind The Mask!) were on it ... Obsidian Age kicked ass. That was about a year ago though. Joe Kelly had a certain panache too.

Claremont seriously needs to stop ending his comics by apparently killing off one of the major characters. It's a crappy cliffhanger.

I liked obsidian age and golden perfect, but gave up on it long before the 'Martian Manhunter gets hitched and turns into a retired african-american' plot. I notcied a while ago that monkeys were also involved in the JLA plot, which almost appealed.

SOme writers do have signature plots. Claremont kills people, Morrison blows up worlds, Ellis has hard smoking heroes solve everything, and Ennis seems to solve it all with a fart gag and calling superheroes tossers.

Bendis's Ulitmate Spiderman run is pretty smooth though. Not tried any of the JMS stuff though.

The monkey plot was dire. The art sucked and Dennis O'Neil, though a decent enough editor, should not be allowed near a keyboard.

My favourite Claremont not-death so far was when Batman was shot. The bullet went right through him and he crumpled to the floor. Then at the start of the next issue he got up again and said "Ha ha! My cape made it only look like I was shot!" Then why did you crumple to the floor you idiot? He didn't get any information out of it and came dangerously close to being unmasked. The only reason for him going prone was to provide a cliffhanger.

Anyway.

He's done worse. There's an Avengers story line which has The Vision get mind-wiped (again) bu that's OK, because the Who-done-it angle is pretty good.

Until Mockingbird walks in and goes 'It was Me, I did the blag, mwa ha ha' - Cue a jaw dropping clighanger...

Which is UTTERLY spoilt by Mockingbird going "actually, I was an innocent dupe, I don't what came over me there" in the next issue.

Still, God loves Man Kills is alright.

http://www.seanbaby.com/stupcom/superquiz.htm

Question 8: Finding Your Niche
You are Mockingbird. You have two sticks that snap together, a semester of gymnastics, and no powers. For some reason, you are considering the life of a super hero. What do you do?

A: Join the Avengers to fight alongside the Earth's Mightiest Heroes like Thor, Iron Man, She-Hulk, a bunch of Greek deities, and just in case you thought you had a gimmick, Captain America and Hawkeye, who also have no powers but are better in every way.

B: Find a city with no super heroes and run around at night trying to find any muggers or escaped zoo animals to fight.

C: Search the want ads for jobs as a waitress, lap dancer, or children's gymnastics coach.

D: Form a plan to take over the world since, obviously, all of these costumed buffoons are no match for you.

E: Suicide. Please -- suicide.

Oh - I think my genuine favourite cliffhanger resolution was in Peter David's SPYBOY comic.

End of issue: "It's true, Spyboy - I am your mother-"

Start of next issue: "-'s sister!"

I have fond memories of Peter David from back in the days I used to have my comic habit. Hulk and X-Factor were just so cool.

Ah Mockingbird, one of the true greats of 4 colour comics. It's only a matter of time before they make the movie.

Still, Cliffhangers work fine Dr Who (currently watching Ark in Space. Fear the dread wrapping plastic monster...)

NO! Oh NO!

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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Mockingbird!

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